(no subject)
Jul. 19th, 2009 10:16 pmBusy day. Monika (my pseudo-aunt, a nurse anesthetist who's originally from Germany), my mother and I are cleaning out my parents' "junk room." It's an adventure. I also got to show off my skillz driving on muddy back roads and finished my application for the local college this fall.
The rest of this week, I likely won't slow down. Which is probably good, but it means I won't be around online much.
I think I've got an idea of what I want to do with my life, finally. Hopefully that will help.
Last night, was absolutely incredible in a way that's hard for me to really explain. We talked quite a bit in the car on the way home from Panama City, and some of the things said struck me in a really profound way and things I'd been mulling over in the back of my head sorta clicked. Then I spent most of the night (from 10-something pm until around 3:30am) sitting at the kitchen table talking to Monika. I was a lot more open than I've been in a very long time, and I admitted some things aloud and I ended up crying in this weird mixture of fear, joy, regret, and utter, complete longing over what my big goals in life are, because I know I could have achieved them at one point, and I might be able to, still, but it's going to take a hell of a lot of work.
Pretty cathartic, and I was pretty exhausted today because of it. I'm not daunted, really, just... wary. Very afraid to put faith in myself when I've gotten depressed and self-sabotaged so often before.
We'll see.
The rest of this week, I likely won't slow down. Which is probably good, but it means I won't be around online much.
I think I've got an idea of what I want to do with my life, finally. Hopefully that will help.
Last night, was absolutely incredible in a way that's hard for me to really explain. We talked quite a bit in the car on the way home from Panama City, and some of the things said struck me in a really profound way and things I'd been mulling over in the back of my head sorta clicked. Then I spent most of the night (from 10-something pm until around 3:30am) sitting at the kitchen table talking to Monika. I was a lot more open than I've been in a very long time, and I admitted some things aloud and I ended up crying in this weird mixture of fear, joy, regret, and utter, complete longing over what my big goals in life are, because I know I could have achieved them at one point, and I might be able to, still, but it's going to take a hell of a lot of work.
Pretty cathartic, and I was pretty exhausted today because of it. I'm not daunted, really, just... wary. Very afraid to put faith in myself when I've gotten depressed and self-sabotaged so often before.
We'll see.
(no subject)
Jul. 17th, 2009 08:28 pmOkay. I know. I haven't posted in a while. Life's just been... argh. I've either been sick (was in the hospital Wednesday getting poked and scanned to test for appendicitis because of the Return of Son of Abdominal Pain of Doom) and/or stressed, or trying to work my tail off (writing, mostly) and not getting around to posting, or being online much at all.
I can't even think of what's been going on, right now. I've been trying really hard to work on the Caliborn/Zak story and got around 10k words in, but I totally lost it today. I think I know a way to do it better, but I also think I just don't have the skill.
My problem is, I need to find a story that I like enough to keep me interested but that isn't so dear to my heart that I feel like I can't write it well enough and get super-critical. All the stories I've finished seem to fall into that range, but they're hard to come by.
I sorta want to write about aliens, or else some very foreign future human culture.
My paid time is about to expire, but I'm being so antisocial lately that I'm not sure it's worth renewing.
Also, I am going insane, but that's nothing new.
I can't even think of what's been going on, right now. I've been trying really hard to work on the Caliborn/Zak story and got around 10k words in, but I totally lost it today. I think I know a way to do it better, but I also think I just don't have the skill.
My problem is, I need to find a story that I like enough to keep me interested but that isn't so dear to my heart that I feel like I can't write it well enough and get super-critical. All the stories I've finished seem to fall into that range, but they're hard to come by.
I sorta want to write about aliens, or else some very foreign future human culture.
My paid time is about to expire, but I'm being so antisocial lately that I'm not sure it's worth renewing.
Also, I am going insane, but that's nothing new.
(no subject)
Jun. 29th, 2009 11:10 pmWell. I haven't been on much lately, but stuff's going pretty well. I did indeed get a car (2001 Ford Focus. It runs well, at least.) but I still haven't gotten my license. :P
My pseudo-aunt Monika visited with her grandkids this week and just left this morning. I found that surprisingly, I actually got along with the kids, and they made me happy. I don't want to be a parent, I don't think, but I just might like to steal someone else's kids to corrupt sometimes.
In other news, I got invited to submit a story to an anthology that might be in the works. Who knew that Internet gaming would be such valuable networking for the writing biz?
Just trying to scrape myself back together, and still not sure I'm out of my depressed spell. I'm working on it, though. Definitely working. I'll try and write more as it comes to me. Right now, I've discovered Finder which is precisely up my alley.
My pseudo-aunt Monika visited with her grandkids this week and just left this morning. I found that surprisingly, I actually got along with the kids, and they made me happy. I don't want to be a parent, I don't think, but I just might like to steal someone else's kids to corrupt sometimes.
In other news, I got invited to submit a story to an anthology that might be in the works. Who knew that Internet gaming would be such valuable networking for the writing biz?
Just trying to scrape myself back together, and still not sure I'm out of my depressed spell. I'm working on it, though. Definitely working. I'll try and write more as it comes to me. Right now, I've discovered Finder which is precisely up my alley.
(no subject)
Jun. 19th, 2009 08:17 pmSorry for the whiny posts. I lost subscribers over that last one. :x
I may be getting a car this weekend *crosses fingers* so I might actually be able to have a life again. Huzzah! Will update if that does indeed occur.
In other news, one of the teen mods from a chat site that I occasionally visit was very brutally beaten and raped (and buried alive) and died in the hospital. I was riding into town with my mom when I found out and I absolutely lost it for a few minutes there, crying in public. I don't think I can type a response just yet. I still feel awful. I do want to write on it, but even though I barely knew her, the situation is nasty enough that it's hard not to be incoherently angry.
Not really a good week. Hopefully the weekend will be better
I may be getting a car this weekend *crosses fingers* so I might actually be able to have a life again. Huzzah! Will update if that does indeed occur.
In other news, one of the teen mods from a chat site that I occasionally visit was very brutally beaten and raped (and buried alive) and died in the hospital. I was riding into town with my mom when I found out and I absolutely lost it for a few minutes there, crying in public. I don't think I can type a response just yet. I still feel awful. I do want to write on it, but even though I barely knew her, the situation is nasty enough that it's hard not to be incoherently angry.
Not really a good week. Hopefully the weekend will be better
(no subject)
Jun. 19th, 2009 01:23 amI haven't really been online much lately, which is a change from being glued to my screen all the time like I mostly have been for the last year. I have a cold, and I've gone completely insane, and my compulsion to avoid people is outweighing my Internet addiction.
I've spent the last two days cleaning, eating, sleeping, and playing Oblivion, pretty much. A little reading. Some random quips on Twitter.
Oblivion is the mother of all games full of too many side-areas and sidequests and stuff. I'm like "OH WELL, I GUESS HELL IS JUST GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I HAVE THE NERDY COMPULSION TO EXPLORE EVERY CAVE INSTEAD OF CONTINUING THIS URGENT QUEST" but dark elves have pretty skin. Actually, my dark elf is just pretty. I actually restarted today because my first character was mostly melee and he was getting assraped by all the things that throw fireballs. And he was taking way too long to level up. Now I'm playing a mostly-mage, and all is well. I should've taken acrobatics as a class skill, though, since I jump when I'm bored and that skill is climbing up there. I can probably blame WoW for that.
Not much else, really, unless you like stories of shampooing carpet or atypical mental illness. I feel guilty about not doing my normal online stuff, but that isn't outweighing the social anxiety at the moment. I'm going through one of those periods where I'm just trying to survive, and even that seems almost too tough, sometimes.
I've spent the last two days cleaning, eating, sleeping, and playing Oblivion, pretty much. A little reading. Some random quips on Twitter.
Oblivion is the mother of all games full of too many side-areas and sidequests and stuff. I'm like "OH WELL, I GUESS HELL IS JUST GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I HAVE THE NERDY COMPULSION TO EXPLORE EVERY CAVE INSTEAD OF CONTINUING THIS URGENT QUEST" but dark elves have pretty skin. Actually, my dark elf is just pretty. I actually restarted today because my first character was mostly melee and he was getting assraped by all the things that throw fireballs. And he was taking way too long to level up. Now I'm playing a mostly-mage, and all is well. I should've taken acrobatics as a class skill, though, since I jump when I'm bored and that skill is climbing up there. I can probably blame WoW for that.
Not much else, really, unless you like stories of shampooing carpet or atypical mental illness. I feel guilty about not doing my normal online stuff, but that isn't outweighing the social anxiety at the moment. I'm going through one of those periods where I'm just trying to survive, and even that seems almost too tough, sometimes.
So I met a girl that I kinda used to know ages ago, though we really drifted apart (understatement), and she's really helping me get my shit together and believe that I might actually still have a future. Or maybe it's just approaching mania again. I'm not sure.
I think a lot of my problem is just that I try to avoid everything that's difficult to deal with, even when those difficult-to-deal-with things are a part of me. Hopefully I can live less in denial of who I am, even if I'm not open about it to others.
On a sorta-unrelated note, I'm applying to the local community college for fall. Hopefully this time I'll get my crap together and go to school instead of running away. It also means somehow finding a car and getting my license before August. This partially depends on my parents, but my mom's promised me a car, since they gave my sister one when she was a teenager... and because my mom's gotten thousands of dollars in child support for me, even when I wasn't living with them, and she feels sorta guilty about that, so is willing to shell out money for a car (and cheap tuition). Which is, I suppose, reason to stay. If I get a car, and am going to school and can find a doctor and a job, then I think I could actually survive here. :P Trying to make steps towards all of those, if I can get over my damned pessimism and social anxiety. We shall see.
Right. Dumped the surface of my brainpool into cyberspace for the random anonymous hordes. Now, I'm going to bed.
I think a lot of my problem is just that I try to avoid everything that's difficult to deal with, even when those difficult-to-deal-with things are a part of me. Hopefully I can live less in denial of who I am, even if I'm not open about it to others.
On a sorta-unrelated note, I'm applying to the local community college for fall. Hopefully this time I'll get my crap together and go to school instead of running away. It also means somehow finding a car and getting my license before August. This partially depends on my parents, but my mom's promised me a car, since they gave my sister one when she was a teenager... and because my mom's gotten thousands of dollars in child support for me, even when I wasn't living with them, and she feels sorta guilty about that, so is willing to shell out money for a car (and cheap tuition). Which is, I suppose, reason to stay. If I get a car, and am going to school and can find a doctor and a job, then I think I could actually survive here. :P Trying to make steps towards all of those, if I can get over my damned pessimism and social anxiety. We shall see.
Right. Dumped the surface of my brainpool into cyberspace for the random anonymous hordes. Now, I'm going to bed.
Oh, parents.
Jun. 14th, 2009 11:58 pmI was in the kitchen, mixing up dough for my first attempt at gluten-free sugar cookies (actually, my first attempt at sugar cookies ever, but I love the cheap store-bought kind. In fact, they're totally the reason I tested the whole celiac thing by OD'ing on gluten a few months back) when I heard my mom's voice from her bedroom. My parents usually go to bed early, but they'd been up later with company over. Still, they'd been in bed for a while, but I suppose she'd heard me up and moving around still.
"Hey Alex," she called.
"...What?"
"Come here, I've got something to ask you." Her tone was pretty serious, so I was a little worried. I love my parents, but we're not on the best terms about everything, and I'm really bad about talking about things with them.
With a sinking feeling, I approached their bedroom. "Yeah?" I asked, trying not to peer too hard into the darkness. The German Shepherd glared.
"If you're speaking lolcat, would OMG be OMCC?"
"...I love you, mom."
"I love you too."
"Goodnight, mom."
"Goodnight, Alex."
And you wonder where I get it from.
"Hey Alex," she called.
"...What?"
"Come here, I've got something to ask you." Her tone was pretty serious, so I was a little worried. I love my parents, but we're not on the best terms about everything, and I'm really bad about talking about things with them.
With a sinking feeling, I approached their bedroom. "Yeah?" I asked, trying not to peer too hard into the darkness. The German Shepherd glared.
"If you're speaking lolcat, would OMG be OMCC?"
"...I love you, mom."
"I love you too."
"Goodnight, mom."
"Goodnight, Alex."
And you wonder where I get it from.
Sorry I've been silent. My life's really weird right now. Internal crap, mostly, and I'm always uncomfortable about sharing things... I dunno. Still alive. I think things are improving, but it's so hard to tell. I'm incredibly moody right now.
Possibly going to be doing more horseback riding, though. Spent a good chunk of the day shopping for tack for Ysabella, since I climbed onto her back yesterday and she didn't freak out.
I crave sugar. I think I'm going to go on a midnight baking spree.
Possibly going to be doing more horseback riding, though. Spent a good chunk of the day shopping for tack for Ysabella, since I climbed onto her back yesterday and she didn't freak out.
I crave sugar. I think I'm going to go on a midnight baking spree.
(no subject)
Jun. 10th, 2009 06:04 pmMore and more, I think I'm going to end up going somewhere new and forcing myself out of my rut by making myself have to get out and get a job and interact with people just to survive. If I had a laptop, I think I could fit everything important in a duffel bag...
Not sure where, though.
Argh. I'm so crazy.
Not sure where, though.
Argh. I'm so crazy.
(no subject)
Jun. 8th, 2009 01:21 pmWell, it was last weekend of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, and we went as patrons and I had a rather unpleasant time. Saturday was okay. I wore street clothes, except that in the afternoon I put on elf ears and wandered around causing drunks to do double-takes. I think drinking first thing helped, because it kills some of my social anxiety. Sigh. I don't drink much, still, but I've been drinking a lot more lately and I sometimes worry it's too much. Lots of alcoholics on my dad's side. Anyway. Saturday wasn't bad. Got henna'd, too, an attempt at the design I want inked.
Sunday was. I picked out some pieces for a cooler outfit than the steampunk monstrosity (though it'll still match) in exchange for doing some work. Not bad at all, considering the pants I got were $75 washable silk. Changing clothes, I put my arm down on a bee and got stung. Ow. Also got a bit overheated. Later that evening, just before pub sing, I sat down on a nail and tore the $75 pants. gnar. Also, there was just a lot of talk from people who knew me when I was someone else, and even my mom screwing up and saying things I'd rather she wouldn't.. I expect it out of my stepdad, but it hurts when she does.
Anyway. Very glad to be home. I'm not sure I want to go back to GARF. Not like this, at least. Not with them. I want to get out of here, and the temptation to just run away somewhere without the promise of a job or place to live is more and more tempting. I hate feeling trapped. It makes me desperately depressed and think unpleasant things.
Could probably write more, but I can't get my thoughts straight. Everyone wants to RP with me, but I'm just a mess. Still. And I can't even blame it on other people this time. I sorta want to just hide from everyone.
Also, happy birthday to![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
edgeraven , who is all legal and stuff now.
Sunday was. I picked out some pieces for a cooler outfit than the steampunk monstrosity (though it'll still match) in exchange for doing some work. Not bad at all, considering the pants I got were $75 washable silk. Changing clothes, I put my arm down on a bee and got stung. Ow. Also got a bit overheated. Later that evening, just before pub sing, I sat down on a nail and tore the $75 pants. gnar. Also, there was just a lot of talk from people who knew me when I was someone else, and even my mom screwing up and saying things I'd rather she wouldn't.. I expect it out of my stepdad, but it hurts when she does.
Anyway. Very glad to be home. I'm not sure I want to go back to GARF. Not like this, at least. Not with them. I want to get out of here, and the temptation to just run away somewhere without the promise of a job or place to live is more and more tempting. I hate feeling trapped. It makes me desperately depressed and think unpleasant things.
Could probably write more, but I can't get my thoughts straight. Everyone wants to RP with me, but I'm just a mess. Still. And I can't even blame it on other people this time. I sorta want to just hide from everyone.
Also, happy birthday to
edgeraven , who is all legal and stuff now.(no subject)
Jun. 4th, 2009 12:09 amI'm starting to develop an unhealthy addiction to making icons. I blame edgeraven .
is still my favorite. Gods know why. First animated GIF I've ever made. Poor quality, but amuses me.
edgeraven .
Getting ready to go be an airship pirate today, having drank a somewhat significant amount of bourbon but not slept at all. Good for being in character as a pirate, right? Except it should've been rum. Oh well. We have rum, too, but I'm saving that for the middle of the day.
Alcoholism solves everything. So does the crazy Finn linking me amusing random things.
Alcoholism solves everything. So does the crazy Finn linking me amusing random things.
(no subject)
May. 27th, 2009 04:13 amA little depressed, very introspective. I feel a little like some of these thoughts are something I should type up for others' reference, especially if I'm going to try and get a shrink to help me figure myself out. I don't have the clarity of thought to put it into nice words and sentences and paragraphs. Strange brain I have, or so it seems to me. Perhaps I just look at it funny.
Will try to make some kind of actual post on the subject. Sorry I've been so socially absent, lately, just haven't really felt like smalltalk or anything. I never really do, but it's worse right now.
Just been doing chores and playing FFVI, screwing around at the end of the game. I don't want to go get skills for Gau and Strago, even though I used Gau a lot in the World of Balance... I got distracted and read a bit of dialog from the end that isn't in the shitty SNES translation I'm playing, and it sparks all sorts of slashy Shadow ideas that really shouldn't exist. I am not a fanfic writer. I am not a fanfic writer. I will repeat that until they go away.
On that note, I'm going to try some sleep. I hear it's good for you.
Will try to make some kind of actual post on the subject. Sorry I've been so socially absent, lately, just haven't really felt like smalltalk or anything. I never really do, but it's worse right now.
Just been doing chores and playing FFVI, screwing around at the end of the game. I don't want to go get skills for Gau and Strago, even though I used Gau a lot in the World of Balance... I got distracted and read a bit of dialog from the end that isn't in the shitty SNES translation I'm playing, and it sparks all sorts of slashy Shadow ideas that really shouldn't exist. I am not a fanfic writer. I am not a fanfic writer. I will repeat that until they go away.
On that note, I'm going to try some sleep. I hear it's good for you.
Death-By-Mocha Ice Cream
May. 25th, 2009 05:05 pmIt feels like summer here in the Southern US and other parts of the Northern Hemisphere, so that means it's ice cream time! My mother has a 2qt Cuisinart ice cream maker which she kindly allows me to use, and I love the thing. It makes delicious, smooth homemade ice cream, sorbet, frozen yogurt, frozen custard , etc., usually in under an hour. Sometimes in under half an hour. Great investment if you like the frozen desserts.
Past experiments have included a dairy-free dark chocolate pomegranate sorbet and a butter-pecan frozen custard that was almost too rich to eat. It not only stood on its own, it pulled out a buttery switchblade and threatened other flavors to back off. It was still delicious, though, and making the butter pecans was fun (I might re-do that recipe this year to make it a little lower-fat. I'll try and post that if I get around to it.)
Today, though, I was trying to make something to please my parents, since it was their kitchen I was sabotaging (and did I ever). I settled on something with chocolate and coffee, since they're both coffee fans. I also had to do a bit of improvising with ingredients, but it was super-easy and turned out well.
( Recipe under here... )
Past experiments have included a dairy-free dark chocolate pomegranate sorbet and a butter-pecan frozen custard that was almost too rich to eat. It not only stood on its own, it pulled out a buttery switchblade and threatened other flavors to back off. It was still delicious, though, and making the butter pecans was fun (I might re-do that recipe this year to make it a little lower-fat. I'll try and post that if I get around to it.)
Today, though, I was trying to make something to please my parents, since it was their kitchen I was sabotaging (and did I ever). I settled on something with chocolate and coffee, since they're both coffee fans. I also had to do a bit of improvising with ingredients, but it was super-easy and turned out well.
( Recipe under here... )
Food meme!
May. 24th, 2009 11:42 pmGanked from siliconshaman.
The saying goes, "as American as Apple Pie!"...so what foods define where you live? Be it locally or Nationally.
Bonus round... What tastes define Summer for you?
siliconshaman.The saying goes, "as American as Apple Pie!"...so what foods define where you live? Be it locally or Nationally.
- Grits. Made by grinding hominy (corn that's been soaked in lye). Common breakfast food, kind of like a porridge, but eaten with butter and salt and pepper or other savory seasonings, not sweet.
- Sweet (iced) Tea. Strong black tea made by boiling the leaves in the water. Sugar's added while it's still hot so it's almost tea-flavored simple syrup. I read a while back that the southern US iced tea was originally green tea, pre-WWI. Not sure if it's true or not.
- Southern-style BBQ. Pulled pork or beef or whole chickens cooked in big smokers often made from old oil drums. Sauces are a jealously-guarded secret... which can be a big pain when you have food allergies and have to know ingredients and they refuse to tell you.
- Hot boiled peanuts. Green peanuts boiled in the shell in salted water in huge batches, then dipped out and served fresh. Common to see roadside stands selling these at the right time of year.
Bonus round... What tastes define Summer for you?
- Iced tea. Mentioned above. Probably the only thing I miss about the south when I leave. I make sun-tea, sometimes, or brew mine more conventionally and ice it, but I almost always have sweet tea when I go out.
- Cheap frozen ice pops. The kind that come a hundred to a box that you throw in the freezer and cut the tops off to eat. I think my ex-girlfriend and I once went through a box in under two weeks. Great treat for keeping cool if you don't have air conditioning.
- Watermelon. Mmm.