Deviancy Amplification Spiral

Okay. I know. I haven't posted in a while. Life's just been... argh. I've either been sick (was in the hospital Wednesday getting poked and scanned to test for appendicitis because of the Return of Son of Abdominal Pain of Doom) and/or stressed, or trying to work my tail off (writing, mostly) and not getting around to posting, or being online much at all.

I can't even think of what's been going on, right now. I've been trying really hard to work on the Caliborn/Zak story and got around 10k words in, but I totally lost it today. I think I know a way to do it better, but I also think I just don't have the skill.

My problem is, I need to find a story that I like enough to keep me interested but that isn't so dear to my heart that I feel like I can't write it well enough and get super-critical. All the stories I've finished seem to fall into that range, but they're hard to come by.

I sorta want to write about aliens, or else some very foreign future human culture.

My paid time is about to expire, but I'm being so antisocial lately that I'm not sure it's worth renewing.

Also, I am going insane, but that's nothing new.

On a related note, here's some other super-short, word-limited stories. Was a fun little challenge while procrastinating on other things:

1. Defenestration.
2. Running scared.
3. Lost: one cause.
4. Dead love; alchemical resurrection.
5. Underneath, it wasn't a mask.
6. Death was easy; they demanded life.
7. I left the body on his doorstep.
8. She gave him the choice: "Wizardry or me."
9. When he finally looked outside, it was raining ashes.
10. In the end, it really was all just a dream.

Nine is my favorite story, and also, perhaps coincidentally, my favorite number. Man, I'm writing dark and bittersweet stuff lately. No wonder I don't want to work on Sanctuary, even if it is post-apocalyptic. It's also genuinely fluffy. Which is probably why people liked it. But I have to totally rewrite the first and last scenes, I'm guessing. The first probably needs it more than the last.

Inevitably, when I set my Pidgin status to "Writing" I get distracted and do other things. Sometimes for hours. Even when I've got my document open and everything all arranged and I know I'm going to start writing right now. This procrastination is, as always, a manifestation of my fear of writing--or rather, my fear of being criticized, which comes from my big insecurity over being perceived as "wrong" in some way. Which comes from being right most of the time, I suppose, though it was very much heightened by a certain event when I was eighteen when I was told I was wrong about something very deep and dear to me.

1581 words on the Snow Queen story today. I anticipate a thoroughly awful first draft. But I keep telling myself that awful drafts or even awful finished pieces of absolute terrible drivel are better than unfinished masterpieces. I just have to keep slogging away, especially when it gets hard.

My mother is trying to tell me the reason that I'm sleeping poorly is that the way my (makeshift) bed is situated, my head is pointing north and that I should try sleeping at the other end. Because feng shui says so. I'm tempted to try it.

And on a last random but disturbing note, Pidgin crashes the first time I try to tell anyone about the AI in Zak's story. It's really fucking creepy. Once, it did it 3 times in a row. Is it some string of characters that I end up using that somehow breaks the program? Am I typing too fast? I have no idea. Thinking about putting some of my Zakai writings online. Don't know. Weird brain I have.

What? Another stupid drabble? Yes.


( The plague crept in on little rat feet... )

Written for fiction_drabbles 

Decisions

I told her. I mean, it says in my listing, “Cases at my discretion.” There are some things I just can't afford to get involved with. Nothing personal, I just have to look after my career first and foremost. Everyone's got their lines they don't cross and mine is simple: I don't mess with werewolves.

But there's her face, sad and lost and beautiful. There's the empty bench on my way into work where the city's omega usually sleeps. There's the nighttime silence that should be filled with song. She just wants her husband back.

I pick up the phone.

Today started pretty awfully. Slept until almost 3pm (because I hadn't gone to bed until almost 7am. Sleep schedule is ruined at the moment), woke up cold and tired and grumpy. One of my triops had mortally wounded another one, too, so I'm down to two three-eyed mutant space-crustaceans now. When I let my puppy out, she attacked one of the young chickens and got her cornered into a tight little space under the house. Bruised/scraped my arm all to hell rescuing the stupid bird while the dog kept trying to pull out her feathers. When the puppy is intent on something--like chasing animals--she completely stops listening to commands, including "No." Frustrating enough that we're talking about muzzling her while she's outside just so she can't bite things. She'll probably still chase them and get them stuck, though... I don't know. Later, I felt exhausted and almost had a panic attack just because I utterly couldn't concentrate. I probably need to be on ADD meds again, but that means going to the doctor, which means making an appointment and finding some way to get to it and... nng. I just need a car. Or a motorcycle! But the motorcycle got given away and the two cars sitting out there don't run. We just have non-running cars parked in front of the shed like proper rednecks.

Things got a little better in the evening, pretty much after I had my first dose of caffeine for the day.  Got the Dreamwidth account and screwed around with it, rp'ed the Magnificent Bastard a little bit and drank more tea.

I'm really behind in my writing. I've been working through some writing excercises from a book, but skipped doing it yesterday and I still haven't done it today, either, even though it's nearing 3am. I have a novelette (Chosen Duties) likely sitting in the slush pile at Asimov's at the moment, so that's good, but my other "completed" story (Sanctuary, which is kinda... uh... post-apocalyptic romance) is still in draft stage. There's plot problems that I'm not sure how to fix and while other people really like the concept, I'm still not that fond. If anyone out there wants to give it a readthrough and see if you notice anything that others have missed, let me know.  I always appreciate critique.

I have a couple more stories on the drawing board. One is taking a lot of research which I'm slowly but surely getting through, the other just stems from a character (Simon) that really grabbed me. I just need to sit down and write. And not get distracted by shiny things or frustrated by... frustrating things.

Feeling physically  a bit better today, though, aside from fatigue. Maybe whatever's wrong with me is going away again?