Deviancy Amplification Spiral

Busy day. Monika (my pseudo-aunt, a nurse anesthetist who's originally from Germany), my mother and I are cleaning out my parents' "junk room." It's an adventure. I also got to show off my skillz driving on muddy back roads and finished my application for the local college this fall.

The rest of this week, I likely won't slow down. Which is probably good, but it means I won't be around online much.

I think I've got an idea of what I want to do with my life, finally. Hopefully that will help.

Last night, was absolutely incredible in a way that's hard for me to really explain. We talked quite a bit in the car on the way home from Panama City, and some of the things said struck me in a really profound way and things I'd been mulling over in the back of my head sorta clicked. Then I spent most of the night (from 10-something pm until around 3:30am) sitting at the kitchen table talking to Monika. I was a lot more open than I've been in a very long time, and I admitted some things aloud and I ended up crying in this weird mixture of fear, joy, regret, and utter, complete longing over what my big goals in life are, because I know I could have achieved them at one point, and I might be able to, still, but it's going to take a hell of a lot of work.

Pretty cathartic, and I was pretty exhausted today because of it. I'm not daunted, really, just... wary. Very afraid to put faith in myself when I've gotten depressed and self-sabotaged so often before.

We'll see.

So I met a girl that I kinda used to know ages ago, though we really drifted apart (understatement), and she's really helping me get my shit together and believe that I might actually still have a future. Or maybe it's just approaching mania again. I'm not sure.

I think a lot of my problem is just that I try to avoid everything that's difficult to deal with, even when those difficult-to-deal-with things are a part of me. Hopefully I can live less in denial of who I am, even if I'm not open about it to others.

On a sorta-unrelated note, I'm applying to the local community college for fall. Hopefully this time I'll get my crap together and go to school instead of running away. It also means somehow finding a car and getting my license before August. This partially depends on my parents, but my mom's promised me a car, since they gave my sister one when she was a teenager... and because my mom's gotten thousands of dollars in child support for me, even when I wasn't living with them, and she feels sorta guilty about that, so is willing to shell out money for a car (and cheap tuition). Which is, I suppose, reason to stay. If I get a car, and am going to school and can find a doctor and a job, then I think I could actually survive here. :P Trying to make steps towards all of those, if I can get over my damned pessimism and social anxiety. We shall see.

Right. Dumped the surface of my brainpool into cyberspace for the random anonymous hordes. Now, I'm going to bed.