Deviancy Amplification Spiral

seidskratti @ 2009-08-30T21:10:00

2009-08-31T02:12:29Z

Well.. uh. got my driver's license, went back to school, got on psych meds and things.

Other than that, I've pretty much been screwing my life up as usual.

Wrote some drabbles tonight, though. Toying with a new setting. Fishing. Rooftop.

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seidskratti @ 2009-07-19T22:16:00

2009-07-20T03:25:17Z

Busy day. Monika (my pseudo-aunt, a nurse anesthetist who's originally from Germany), my mother and I are cleaning out my parents' "junk room." It's an adventure. I also got to show off my skillz driving on muddy back roads and finished my application for the local college this fall.

The rest of this week, I likely won't slow down. Which is probably good, but it means I won't be around online much.

I think I've got an idea of what I want to do with my life, finally. Hopefully that will help.

Last night, was absolutely incredible in a way that's hard for me to really explain. We talked quite a bit in the car on the way home from Panama City, and some of the things said struck me in a really profound way and things I'd been mulling over in the back of my head sorta clicked. Then I spent most of the night (from 10-something pm until around 3:30am) sitting at the kitchen table talking to Monika. I was a lot more open than I've been in a very long time, and I admitted some things aloud and I ended up crying in this weird mixture of fear, joy, regret, and utter, complete longing over what my big goals in life are, because I know I could have achieved them at one point, and I might be able to, still, but it's going to take a hell of a lot of work.

Pretty cathartic, and I was pretty exhausted today because of it. I'm not daunted, really, just... wary. Very afraid to put faith in myself when I've gotten depressed and self-sabotaged so often before.

We'll see.

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seidskratti @ 2009-07-17T20:28:00

2009-07-18T01:30:31Z

Okay. I know. I haven't posted in a while. Life's just been... argh. I've either been sick (was in the hospital Wednesday getting poked and scanned to test for appendicitis because of the Return of Son of Abdominal Pain of Doom) and/or stressed, or trying to work my tail off (writing, mostly) and not getting around to posting, or being online much at all.

I can't even think of what's been going on, right now. I've been trying really hard to work on the Caliborn/Zak story and got around 10k words in, but I totally lost it today. I think I know a way to do it better, but I also think I just don't have the skill.

My problem is, I need to find a story that I like enough to keep me interested but that isn't so dear to my heart that I feel like I can't write it well enough and get super-critical. All the stories I've finished seem to fall into that range, but they're hard to come by.

I sorta want to write about aliens, or else some very foreign future human culture.

My paid time is about to expire, but I'm being so antisocial lately that I'm not sure it's worth renewing.

Also, I am going insane, but that's nothing new.

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Political spectrum quiz

2009-07-02T15:50:14Z

( I am unsurprised. )

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-29T23:10:00

2009-06-30T04:21:48Z

Well. I haven't been on much lately, but stuff's going pretty well. I did indeed get a car (2001 Ford Focus. It runs well, at least.) but I still haven't gotten my license. :P

My pseudo-aunt Monika visited with her grandkids this week and just left this morning. I found that surprisingly, I actually got along with the kids, and they made me happy. I don't want to be a parent, I don't think, but I just might like to steal someone else's kids to corrupt sometimes.

In other news, I got invited to submit a story to an anthology that might be in the works. Who knew that Internet gaming would be such valuable networking for the writing biz?

Just trying to scrape myself back together, and still not sure I'm out of my depressed spell. I'm working on it, though. Definitely working. I'll try and write more as it comes to me. Right now, I've discovered Finder which is precisely up my alley.

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-19T20:17:00

2009-06-20T01:24:41Z

Sorry for the whiny posts. I lost subscribers over that last one. :x

I may be getting a car this weekend *crosses fingers* so I might actually be able to have a life again. Huzzah! Will update if that does indeed occur.

In other news, one of the teen mods from a chat site that I occasionally visit was very brutally beaten and raped (and buried alive) and died in the hospital. I was riding into town with my mom when I found out and I absolutely lost it for a few minutes there, crying in public. I don't think I can type a response just yet. I still feel awful. I do want to write on it, but even though I barely knew her, the situation is nasty enough that it's hard not to be incoherently angry.

Not really a good week. Hopefully the weekend will be better

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-19T01:23:00

2009-06-19T06:25:35Z

I haven't really been online much lately, which is a change from being glued to my screen all the time like I mostly have been for the last year. I have a cold, and I've gone completely insane, and my compulsion to avoid people is outweighing my Internet addiction.

I've spent the last two days cleaning, eating, sleeping, and playing Oblivion, pretty much. A little reading. Some random quips on Twitter.

Oblivion is the mother of all games full of too many side-areas and sidequests and stuff. I'm like "OH WELL, I GUESS HELL IS JUST GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I HAVE THE NERDY COMPULSION TO EXPLORE EVERY CAVE INSTEAD OF CONTINUING THIS URGENT QUEST" but dark elves have pretty skin. Actually, my dark elf is just pretty. I actually restarted today because my first character was mostly melee and he was getting assraped by all the things that throw fireballs. And he was taking way too long to level up. Now I'm playing a mostly-mage, and all is well. I should've taken acrobatics as a class skill, though, since I jump when I'm bored and that skill is climbing up there. I can probably blame WoW for that.

Not much else, really, unless you like stories of shampooing carpet or atypical mental illness. I feel guilty about not doing my normal online stuff, but that isn't outweighing the social anxiety at the moment. I'm going through one of those periods where I'm just trying to survive, and even that seems almost too tough, sometimes.

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If things aren't getting better, at least they're getting stranger.

2009-06-16T06:50:58Z

So I met a girl that I kinda used to know ages ago, though we really drifted apart (understatement), and she's really helping me get my shit together and believe that I might actually still have a future. Or maybe it's just approaching mania again. I'm not sure.

I think a lot of my problem is just that I try to avoid everything that's difficult to deal with, even when those difficult-to-deal-with things are a part of me. Hopefully I can live less in denial of who I am, even if I'm not open about it to others.

On a sorta-unrelated note, I'm applying to the local community college for fall. Hopefully this time I'll get my crap together and go to school instead of running away. It also means somehow finding a car and getting my license before August. This partially depends on my parents, but my mom's promised me a car, since they gave my sister one when she was a teenager... and because my mom's gotten thousands of dollars in child support for me, even when I wasn't living with them, and she feels sorta guilty about that, so is willing to shell out money for a car (and cheap tuition). Which is, I suppose, reason to stay. If I get a car, and am going to school and can find a doctor and a job, then I think I could actually survive here. :P Trying to make steps towards all of those, if I can get over my damned pessimism and social anxiety. We shall see.

Right. Dumped the surface of my brainpool into cyberspace for the random anonymous hordes. Now, I'm going to bed.

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Oh, parents.

2009-06-15T05:00:23Z

I was in the kitchen, mixing up dough for my first attempt at gluten-free sugar cookies (actually, my first attempt at sugar cookies ever, but I love the cheap store-bought kind. In fact, they're totally the reason I tested the whole celiac thing by OD'ing on gluten a few months back) when I heard my mom's voice from her bedroom. My parents usually go to bed early, but they'd been up later with company over. Still, they'd been in bed for a while, but I suppose she'd heard me up and moving around still.

"Hey Alex," she called.

"...What?"

"Come here, I've got something to ask you." Her tone was pretty serious, so I was a little worried. I love my parents, but we're not on the best terms about everything, and I'm really bad about talking about things with them.

With a sinking feeling, I approached their bedroom. "Yeah?" I asked, trying not to peer too hard into the darkness. The German Shepherd glared.

"If you're speaking lolcat, would OMG be OMCC?"

"...I love you, mom."

"I love you too."

"Goodnight, mom."

"Goodnight, Alex."

And you wonder where I get it from.

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Now there's no use crying over every mistake...

2009-06-15T03:45:40Z

Sorry I've been silent. My life's really weird right now. Internal crap, mostly, and I'm always uncomfortable about sharing things... I dunno. Still alive. I think things are improving, but it's so hard to tell. I'm incredibly moody right now.

Possibly going to be doing more horseback riding, though. Spent a good chunk of the day shopping for tack for Ysabella, since I climbed onto her back yesterday and she didn't freak out.

I crave sugar. I think I'm going to go on a midnight baking spree.

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-10T18:58:00

2009-06-11T00:01:10Z

Randomly, old but good: How to Install Linux on a Dead Badger.

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-10T18:04:00

2009-06-10T23:07:46Z

More and more, I think I'm going to end up going somewhere new and forcing myself out of my rut by making myself have to get out and get a job and interact with people just to survive. If I had a laptop, I think I could fit everything important in a duffel bag...

Not sure where, though.

Argh. I'm so crazy.

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-08T13:21:00

2009-06-08T18:27:05Z

Well, it was last weekend of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, and we went as patrons and I had a rather unpleasant time. Saturday was okay. I wore street clothes, except that in the afternoon I put on elf ears and wandered around causing drunks to do double-takes. I think drinking first thing helped, because it kills some of my social anxiety. Sigh. I don't drink much, still, but I've been drinking a lot more lately and I sometimes worry it's too much. Lots of alcoholics on my dad's side. Anyway. Saturday wasn't bad. Got henna'd, too, an attempt at the design I want inked.

Sunday was. I picked out some pieces for a cooler outfit than the steampunk monstrosity (though it'll still match) in exchange for doing some work. Not bad at all, considering the pants I got were $75 washable silk. Changing clothes, I put my arm down on a bee and got stung. Ow. Also got a bit overheated. Later that evening, just before pub sing, I sat down on a nail and tore the $75 pants. gnar. Also, there was just a lot of talk from people who knew me when I was someone else, and even my mom screwing up and saying things I'd rather she wouldn't.. I expect it out of my stepdad, but it hurts when she does.

Anyway. Very glad to be home. I'm not sure I want to go back to GARF. Not like this, at least. Not with them. I want to get out of here, and the temptation to just run away somewhere without the promise of a job or place to live is more and more tempting. I hate feeling trapped. It makes me desperately depressed and think unpleasant things.

Could probably write more, but I can't get my thoughts straight. Everyone wants to RP with me, but I'm just a mess. Still. And I can't even blame it on other people this time. I sorta want to just hide from everyone.

Also, happy birthday to edgeraven , who is all legal and stuff now.

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seidskratti @ 2009-06-04T00:09:00

2009-06-04T05:12:39Z

I'm starting to develop an unhealthy addiction to making icons. I blame edgeraven .

is still my favorite. Gods know why. First animated GIF I've ever made. Poor quality, but amuses me.

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Arrrrr.

2009-05-30T08:00:07Z

Getting ready to go be an airship pirate today, having drank a somewhat significant amount of bourbon but not slept at all. Good for being in character as a pirate, right? Except it should've been rum. Oh well. We have rum, too, but I'm saving that for the middle of the day.

Alcoholism solves everything. So does the crazy Finn linking me amusing random things.

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Hellblazer Icons!

2009-05-28T23:08:48Z

Luc's fault.

( Six John Constantine icons under the cut... )

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seidskratti @ 2009-05-27T04:13:00

2009-05-27T09:28:03Z

A little depressed, very introspective. I feel a little like some of these thoughts are something I should type up for others' reference, especially if I'm going to try and get a shrink to help me figure myself out. I don't have the clarity of thought to put it into nice words and sentences and paragraphs. Strange brain I have, or so it seems to me. Perhaps I just look at it funny.

Will try to make some kind of actual post on the subject. Sorry I've been so socially absent, lately, just haven't really felt like smalltalk or anything. I never really do, but it's worse right now.

Just been doing chores and playing FFVI, screwing around at the end of the game. I don't want to go get skills for Gau and Strago, even though I used Gau a lot in the World of Balance... I got distracted and read a bit of dialog from the end that isn't in the shitty SNES translation I'm playing, and it sparks all sorts of slashy Shadow ideas that really shouldn't exist. I am not a fanfic writer. I am not a fanfic writer. I will repeat that until they go away.

On that note, I'm going to try some sleep. I hear it's good for you.

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Death-By-Mocha Ice Cream

2009-05-25T22:07:17Z

It feels like summer here in the Southern US and other parts of the Northern Hemisphere, so that means it's ice cream time! My mother has a 2qt Cuisinart ice cream maker which she kindly allows me to use, and I love the thing. It makes delicious, smooth homemade ice cream, sorbet, frozen yogurt, frozen custard , etc., usually in under an hour. Sometimes in under half an hour. Great investment if you like the frozen desserts.

Past experiments have included a dairy-free dark chocolate pomegranate sorbet and a butter-pecan frozen custard that was almost too rich to eat. It not only stood on its own, it pulled out a buttery switchblade and threatened other flavors to back off. It was still delicious, though, and making the butter pecans was fun (I might re-do that recipe this year to make it a little lower-fat. I'll try and post that if I get around to it.)

Today, though, I was trying to make something to please my parents, since it was their kitchen I was sabotaging (and did I ever). I settled on something with chocolate and coffee, since they're both coffee fans. I also had to do a bit of improvising with ingredients, but it was super-easy and turned out well.

( Recipe under here... )

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seidskratti @ 2009-05-25T01:59:00

2009-05-25T07:14:59Z

Title: Untitled
Characters: Zakai/others
Rating: Somewhere between R and NC-17
Warnings: GAY SMEX. Not all that explicit, but there. Zakai pretty much guarantees that the story will be disturbing on some level. This is no exception.
Notes: So, someone asked for Zak-story. Most of it is either poorly written, in my head, or something some masochistic part of me still wants to try and publish someday. Here's an old bit that was written in... 2004, I think? Or 2005, or something. A long time ago. Previously posted on deviantART. One of my earliest writings about him, around when I was coming to realize just how strange the pretty, smirking figure in my mind really was. I was given the writing prompt: "Write about someone who committed murder today. Do not mention the murder." I wrote this.

( I remember feeling free and confined at the same time... )

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Food meme!

2009-05-25T04:53:10Z

Ganked from siliconshaman.

The saying goes, "as American as Apple Pie!"...so what foods define where you live? Be it locally or Nationally.

Grits. Made by grinding hominy (corn that's been soaked in lye). Common breakfast food, kind of like a porridge, but eaten with butter and salt and pepper or other savory seasonings, not sweet.
Sweet (iced) Tea. Strong black tea made by boiling the leaves in the water. Sugar's added while it's still hot so it's almost tea-flavored simple syrup. I read a while back that the southern US iced tea was originally green tea, pre-WWI. Not sure if it's true or not.
Southern-style BBQ. Pulled pork or beef or whole chickens cooked in big smokers often made from old oil drums. Sauces are a jealously-guarded secret... which can be a big pain when you have food allergies and have to know ingredients and they refuse to tell you.
Hot boiled peanuts. Green peanuts boiled in the shell in salted water in huge batches, then dipped out and served fresh. Common to see roadside stands selling these at the right time of year.

Bonus round... What tastes define Summer for you?

Iced tea. Mentioned above. Probably the only thing I miss about the south when I leave. I make sun-tea, sometimes, or brew mine more conventionally and ice it, but I almost always have sweet tea when I go out.
Cheap frozen ice pops. The kind that come a hundred to a box that you throw in the freezer and cut the tops off to eat. I think my ex-girlfriend and I once went through a box in under two weeks. Great treat for keeping cool if you don't have air conditioning.
Watermelon. Mmm.

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CHUPAQUESO ACHIEVED!

2009-05-25T03:43:39Z

OMG. Chupaqueso. Between this and chicken-fried bacon, the Internet is making sure I will never be thin again. Surprisingly easy. I think I should've used the muenster on the outside and the co-jack on the inside instead of vice-versa. I'd take a picture, but I eated it. (For those too lazy to go click through the website, it's a crispy shell of fried cheese filled with even more cheese.) OMNOMNOM.

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seidskratti @ 2009-05-24T21:39:00

2009-05-25T02:40:52Z

Slept for 10 hours or so today but still managed to do things, even if I was lazy.

Gloves for airship pirate outfit done, finally. Fingerless, thin black fleece. No effort, just kept forgetting. I want to prance around in my steampunk clothes, but I lack a place to do it. I kinda lack real-life socialization in general, right now. Completely.

Spent an hour or so trying to catch Dima, one of the new horses. The other, Bella, is very friendly and very assertive, which is a pain when the shy, younger horse is trying to come see me and the other is biting her and chasing her off. This is tough because Dima has to be caught, since we have to medicate her eye twice daily--she had a corneal ulcer that she's recovering from. Both these girls are rescues, and Dima definitely shows it. She's skinny, shy, and covered in scabs. Bleh. We need a round pen. We also need a bigger barn. And more time. I need lots more time. I'll try to post horse pictures as soon as I have them. My mother has taken a few, I think, but they're on her phone.

Was surprised by an unexpected dinner guest who is a very sweet old southern lady but whom I find pretty unpleasant to be around because of her very contrary political views, rampant racism, and the way she treats me. Pretty much the same reasons I don't enjoy my stepdad's company, actually, except she's just techno-illiterate, not afraid of any advancements.

Playing Final Fantasy VI (III US) again. I've never actually beaten it. Trying to change that this time. I just wanted something that had enough of a plot to keep me distracted so I won't keep thinking about the bad things in my life right now. I haven't written today and I don't feel like it. Maybe I'll get more done... I don't know. Also haven't felt much like RP, probably because I've barely had enough uninterrupted time to even think about it, or when I do, no one's on. I don't even really feel guilty for not being on TK right now, which is unusual. Maybe I'll end up leaving like I end up leaving everywhere. :| It isn't that I'm not having fun, I suppose, it's just not what I feel like at the moment. I don't know what I do feel like. Which is pretty much the story of my life.

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Various writing bits and procrastinating digressions.

2009-05-24T07:47:41Z

On a related note, here's some other super-short, word-limited stories. Was a fun little challenge while procrastinating on other things:

1. Defenestration.
2. Running scared.
3. Lost: one cause.
4. Dead love; alchemical resurrection.
5. Underneath, it wasn't a mask.
6. Death was easy; they demanded life.
7. I left the body on his doorstep.
8. She gave him the choice: "Wizardry or me."
9. When he finally looked outside, it was raining ashes.
10. In the end, it really was all just a dream.

Nine is my favorite story, and also, perhaps coincidentally, my favorite number. Man, I'm writing dark and bittersweet stuff lately. No wonder I don't want to work on Sanctuary, even if it is post-apocalyptic. It's also genuinely fluffy. Which is probably why people liked it. But I have to totally rewrite the first and last scenes, I'm guessing. The first probably needs it more than the last.

Inevitably, when I set my Pidgin status to "Writing" I get distracted and do other things. Sometimes for hours. Even when I've got my document open and everything all arranged and I know I'm going to start writing right now. This procrastination is, as always, a manifestation of my fear of writing--or rather, my fear of being criticized, which comes from my big insecurity over being perceived as "wrong" in some way. Which comes from being right most of the time, I suppose, though it was very much heightened by a certain event when I was eighteen when I was told I was wrong about something very deep and dear to me.

1581 words on the Snow Queen story today. I anticipate a thoroughly awful first draft. But I keep telling myself that awful drafts or even awful finished pieces of absolute terrible drivel are better than unfinished masterpieces. I just have to keep slogging away, especially when it gets hard.

My mother is trying to tell me the reason that I'm sleeping poorly is that the way my (makeshift) bed is situated, my head is pointing north and that I should try sleeping at the other end. Because feng shui says so. I'm tempted to try it.

And on a last random but disturbing note, Pidgin crashes the first time I try to tell anyone about the AI in Zak's story. It's really fucking creepy. Once, it did it 3 times in a row. Is it some string of characters that I end up using that somehow breaks the program? Am I typing too fast? I have no idea. Thinking about putting some of my Zakai writings online. Don't know. Weird brain I have.

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Meme: Hemingway Challenge

2009-05-24T04:51:17Z

So someone had a random challenge they'd issued in a journal on an art site. I'd seen the same thing before, but I'm curious to see what you all come up with. :)

It's said that Ernest Hemingway was told to write a story in exactly six words. What he came up with is the following - "For sale. Baby shoes. Never worn."

So I extend the challenge out to you. Write, in exactly six words, the following.
a) Your autobiography
b) Your love life
c) A story
Do one, two, or all three. Or more than one of each, but they've all got to be self-contained within six words.

Here's mine:
Autobiography: Nope, damn. Still just crazy again.
Love life: Rain-damp kisses tasting of chocolate.
Story: Not a bang, just a flutter.

Edit: I feel like a douche. I zoned out and misspelled Hemingway one of the times. In big letters. I think it's 'cause Simon's last name is Hemming with two 'm's. >_< Fixed now.

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seidskratti @ 2009-05-23T12:19:00

2009-05-23T17:41:20Z

More than a little depressed, but this website says it's Saturday so I'm okay. I think I'm going to get some writing done and drown my sorrows in some kind of engrossing single-player game until my parents drag me off to do more farm stuff.

Pondering a noontime-breakfast other than cereal, but not much use cooking if it's only me. I should start cooking more, again, but I just get a bit frustrated with my gluten-free diet. (Celiac disease. I should write a post about it and how much fun it is to eat out one of these days.)

Also, I'm regretting Facebook again. I joined it while I was in Maine at the prodding of some of my co-workers, but I listed my school info so I keep getting messages from people I went to high school with. I am terrified of people I went to high school with, because catching up with them inevitably means talking about all the shit that's happened in my life and why the smart kid didn't go to college etc. etc. Admittedly, it did go well once, even if she did turn around and stand me up for a date-in-the-non-romantic-sense.

Sorry I'm so whiny lately, folks. And posting so much. It'll go away. And suffering's good for me, right?

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