seidskratti: More batshit than Dracula's castle (Batshit)
Okay. I know. I haven't posted in a while. Life's just been... argh. I've either been sick (was in the hospital Wednesday getting poked and scanned to test for appendicitis because of the Return of Son of Abdominal Pain of Doom) and/or stressed, or trying to work my tail off (writing, mostly) and not getting around to posting, or being online much at all.

I can't even think of what's been going on, right now. I've been trying really hard to work on the Caliborn/Zak story and got around 10k words in, but I totally lost it today. I think I know a way to do it better, but I also think I just don't have the skill.

My problem is, I need to find a story that I like enough to keep me interested but that isn't so dear to my heart that I feel like I can't write it well enough and get super-critical. All the stories I've finished seem to fall into that range, but they're hard to come by.

I sorta want to write about aliens, or else some very foreign future human culture.

My paid time is about to expire, but I'm being so antisocial lately that I'm not sure it's worth renewing.

Also, I am going insane, but that's nothing new.
seidskratti: (To do today)
I haven't really been online much lately, which is a change from being glued to my screen all the time like I mostly have been for the last year. I have a cold, and I've gone completely insane, and my compulsion to avoid people is outweighing my Internet addiction.

I've spent the last two days cleaning, eating, sleeping, and playing Oblivion, pretty much. A little reading. Some random quips on Twitter.

Oblivion is the mother of all games full of too many side-areas and sidequests and stuff. I'm like "OH WELL, I GUESS HELL IS JUST GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I HAVE THE NERDY COMPULSION TO EXPLORE EVERY CAVE INSTEAD OF CONTINUING THIS URGENT QUEST" but dark elves have pretty skin. Actually, my dark elf is just pretty. I actually restarted today because my first character was mostly melee and he was getting assraped by all the things that throw fireballs. And he was taking way too long to level up. Now I'm playing a mostly-mage, and all is well. I should've taken acrobatics as a class skill, though, since I jump when I'm bored and that skill is climbing up there. I can probably blame WoW for that.

Not much else, really, unless you like stories of shampooing carpet or atypical mental illness. I feel guilty about not doing my normal online stuff, but that isn't outweighing the social anxiety at the moment. I'm going through one of those periods where I'm just trying to survive, and even that seems almost too tough, sometimes.
seidskratti: You met me at  a very strange time in my life. (Strange time in my life)
Sorry I've been silent. My life's really weird right now. Internal crap, mostly, and I'm always uncomfortable about sharing things... I dunno. Still alive. I think things are improving, but it's so hard to tell. I'm incredibly moody right now.

Possibly going to be doing more horseback riding, though. Spent a good chunk of the day shopping for tack for Ysabella, since I climbed onto her back yesterday and she didn't freak out.

I crave sugar. I think I'm going to go on a midnight baking spree.
seidskratti: Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. (Default)
Well, it was last weekend of the Georgia Renaissance Festival, and we went as patrons and I had a rather unpleasant time. Saturday was okay. I wore street clothes, except that in the afternoon I put on elf ears and wandered around causing drunks to do double-takes. I think drinking first thing helped, because it kills some of my social anxiety. Sigh. I don't drink much, still, but I've been drinking a lot more lately and I sometimes worry it's too much. Lots of alcoholics on my dad's side. Anyway. Saturday wasn't bad. Got henna'd, too, an attempt at the design I want inked.

Sunday was. I picked out some pieces for a cooler outfit than the steampunk monstrosity (though it'll still match) in exchange for doing some work. Not bad at all, considering the pants I got were $75 washable silk. Changing clothes, I put my arm down on a bee and got stung. Ow. Also got a bit overheated. Later that evening, just before pub sing, I sat down on a nail and tore the $75 pants. gnar. Also, there was just a lot of talk from people who knew me when I was someone else, and even my mom screwing up and saying things I'd rather she wouldn't.. I expect it out of my stepdad, but it hurts when she does.

Anyway. Very glad to be home. I'm not sure I want to go back to GARF. Not like this, at least. Not with them. I want to get out of here, and the temptation to just run away somewhere without the promise of a job or place to live is more and more tempting. I hate feeling trapped. It makes me desperately depressed and think unpleasant things.

Could probably write more, but I can't get my thoughts straight. Everyone wants to RP with me, but I'm just a mess. Still. And I can't even blame it on other people this time. I sorta want to just hide from everyone.

Also, happy birthday to [profile] edgeraven , who is all legal and stuff now.
seidskratti: Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. (Default)
Slept for 10 hours or so today but still managed to do things, even if I was lazy.

Gloves for airship pirate outfit done, finally. Fingerless, thin black fleece. No effort, just kept forgetting. I want to prance around in my steampunk clothes, but I lack a place to do it. I kinda lack real-life socialization in general, right now. Completely.

Spent an hour or so trying to catch Dima, one of the new horses. The other, Bella, is very friendly and very assertive, which is a pain when the shy, younger horse is trying to come see me and the other is biting her and chasing her off. This is tough because Dima has to be caught, since we have to medicate her eye twice daily--she had a corneal ulcer that she's recovering from. Both these girls are rescues, and Dima definitely shows it. She's skinny, shy, and covered in scabs. Bleh. We need a round pen. We also need a bigger barn. And more time. I need lots more time. I'll try to post horse pictures as soon as I have them. My mother has taken a few, I think, but they're on her phone.

Was surprised by an unexpected dinner guest who is a very sweet old southern lady but whom I find pretty unpleasant to be around because of her very contrary political views, rampant racism, and the way she treats me. Pretty much the same reasons I don't enjoy my stepdad's company, actually, except she's just techno-illiterate, not afraid of any advancements.

Playing Final Fantasy VI (III US) again. I've never actually beaten it. Trying to change that this time. I just wanted something that had enough of a plot to keep me distracted so I won't keep thinking about the bad things in my life right now. I haven't written today and I don't feel like it. Maybe I'll get more done... I don't know. Also haven't felt much like RP, probably because I've barely had enough uninterrupted time to even think about it, or when I do, no one's on. I don't even really feel guilty for not being on TK right now, which is unusual. Maybe I'll end up leaving like I end up leaving everywhere. :| It isn't that I'm not having fun, I suppose, it's just not what I feel like at the moment. I don't know what I do feel like. Which is pretty much the story of my life.
seidskratti: Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. (Default)
More than a little depressed, but this website says it's Saturday so I'm okay. I think I'm going to get some writing done and drown my sorrows in some kind of engrossing single-player game until my parents drag me off to do more farm stuff.

Pondering a noontime-breakfast other than cereal, but not much use cooking if it's only me. I should start cooking more, again, but I just get a bit frustrated with my gluten-free diet. (Celiac disease. I should write a post about it and how much fun it is to eat out one of these days.)

Also, I'm regretting Facebook again. I joined it while I was in Maine at the prodding of some of my co-workers, but I listed my school info so I keep getting messages from people I went to high school with. I am terrified of people I went to high school with, because catching up with them inevitably means talking about all the shit that's happened in my life and why the smart kid didn't go to college etc. etc. Admittedly, it did go well once, even if she did turn around and stand me up for a date-in-the-non-romantic-sense.

Sorry I'm so whiny lately, folks. And posting so much. It'll go away. And suffering's good for me, right?

and progress and the future.
seidskratti: Nothing is static, everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. (Default)
So I actually did do productive things about my problems. I also went on a community-joining binge.  I may leave some of them, but eh. Will see.

Also, did I mention that I got horsies today? Two more horsies. Arabian fillies. One's a gray named Bella, the other's bay with three white socks. I may name her "Dima" which supposedly means "downpour" in Arabic. It would be very appropriate, since it poured rain both when we went to see them the first time and when we were bringing them home. Not sure. It does mean more work ahead of me, especially since they're both rescue horses and need a lot of care and work, and, as always, I'm the one home most of the time.

I still have no idea which writing project to work on. Snow Queen, probably. Meh. Barely wrote today. Just been busy lately.
seidskratti: Dead man. (HNN)
The auction, the goats, and the entire South can kiss my ass. Left around 2pm, got home between 11:30 and midnight. The most that any of the goats sold for was $50, which isn't bad, but the girls all sold for under that. It's very far from turning a profit. The only cool bit about going up there is passing the old peanut... mill? processing plant? near Graceville. It's an awesome-looking abandoned factory that I've always wanted to go play in and explore. One of these days, I will.

Didn't get to sleep until... I don't know. 7? 8? And it was poor sleep at that. I woke up for a while at 10-something, then went back to sleep until noonish. The melatonin I took seemed to have the opposite effect from what was intended. Between that and my day, I might actually sleep tonight.

Working on a design for shirt.woot derby, possibly. The theme is "dance". My pic is titled "Don't need legs to boogie." Snakey love.
seidskratti: Dead man. (HNN)
Today started pretty awfully. Slept until almost 3pm (because I hadn't gone to bed until almost 7am. Sleep schedule is ruined at the moment), woke up cold and tired and grumpy. One of my triops had mortally wounded another one, too, so I'm down to two three-eyed mutant space-crustaceans now. When I let my puppy out, she attacked one of the young chickens and got her cornered into a tight little space under the house. Bruised/scraped my arm all to hell rescuing the stupid bird while the dog kept trying to pull out her feathers. When the puppy is intent on something--like chasing animals--she completely stops listening to commands, including "No." Frustrating enough that we're talking about muzzling her while she's outside just so she can't bite things. She'll probably still chase them and get them stuck, though... I don't know. Later, I felt exhausted and almost had a panic attack just because I utterly couldn't concentrate. I probably need to be on ADD meds again, but that means going to the doctor, which means making an appointment and finding some way to get to it and... nng. I just need a car. Or a motorcycle! But the motorcycle got given away and the two cars sitting out there don't run. We just have non-running cars parked in front of the shed like proper rednecks.

Things got a little better in the evening, pretty much after I had my first dose of caffeine for the day.  Got the Dreamwidth account and screwed around with it, rp'ed the Magnificent Bastard a little bit and drank more tea.

I'm really behind in my writing. I've been working through some writing excercises from a book, but skipped doing it yesterday and I still haven't done it today, either, even though it's nearing 3am. I have a novelette (Chosen Duties) likely sitting in the slush pile at Asimov's at the moment, so that's good, but my other "completed" story (Sanctuary, which is kinda... uh... post-apocalyptic romance) is still in draft stage. There's plot problems that I'm not sure how to fix and while other people really like the concept, I'm still not that fond. If anyone out there wants to give it a readthrough and see if you notice anything that others have missed, let me know.  I always appreciate critique.

I have a couple more stories on the drawing board. One is taking a lot of research which I'm slowly but surely getting through, the other just stems from a character (Simon) that really grabbed me. I just need to sit down and write. And not get distracted by shiny things or frustrated by... frustrating things.

Feeling physically  a bit better today, though, aside from fatigue. Maybe whatever's wrong with me is going away again?

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