seidskratti: family in gasmasks (Family)
[personal profile] seidskratti
Busy day. Monika (my pseudo-aunt, a nurse anesthetist who's originally from Germany), my mother and I are cleaning out my parents' "junk room." It's an adventure. I also got to show off my skillz driving on muddy back roads and finished my application for the local college this fall.

The rest of this week, I likely won't slow down. Which is probably good, but it means I won't be around online much.

I think I've got an idea of what I want to do with my life, finally. Hopefully that will help.

Last night, was absolutely incredible in a way that's hard for me to really explain. We talked quite a bit in the car on the way home from Panama City, and some of the things said struck me in a really profound way and things I'd been mulling over in the back of my head sorta clicked. Then I spent most of the night (from 10-something pm until around 3:30am) sitting at the kitchen table talking to Monika. I was a lot more open than I've been in a very long time, and I admitted some things aloud and I ended up crying in this weird mixture of fear, joy, regret, and utter, complete longing over what my big goals in life are, because I know I could have achieved them at one point, and I might be able to, still, but it's going to take a hell of a lot of work.

Pretty cathartic, and I was pretty exhausted today because of it. I'm not daunted, really, just... wary. Very afraid to put faith in myself when I've gotten depressed and self-sabotaged so often before.

We'll see.

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